One man’s story of regaining his life from the effects of depression
When I look back on it now, I realize that I have probably suffered with bouts of periodic depression for more than 20 years – since I was in high school. It was a little more than a year ago that I finally took control of my own mental health and did what I probably should have done years ago: I talked to a psychiatrist and asked if medication would be the right course of action for me. It was.
I could feel the fog lifting within days.
Within days of starting my prescription for depression, I started to feel better. There was a dramatic difference. I was able to hold single thoughts long enough to do something with it. It used to be that there were so many thoughts flooding my head at any moment, I couldn’t concentrate on any one of them.
That’s where I am today. But what I went through to get there almost overwhelmed me.
You’ve seen the "depression quiz," I’m sure. If you have any five of the following conditions over the course of a two-week period, and they represent a change from your normal personality, then the likelihood of clinical depression is high.
– Feeling of sadness or emptiness
– Irritability
– Lack of interest in daily activities
– Weight loss or gain
– Insomnia or excessive sleepiness
– Lack of energy
– Difficulty thinking
– Suicidal thoughts
I’ve read quizzes like this dozens of times and thought, "Yeah, welcome to life in America. Who doesn’t have these ‘conditions?’"
What I think happened, is that some of these "conditions" became so ingrained in my life that I could no longer see that there was another way to live. I could never really say that I had any five of the conditions over a two-week period, aside from the fact that prior to medication I was frequently suicidal. That should have been a clue. It wasn’t.
Thoughts of suicide were as common as deciding what to eat for dinner or picking out a tie. They were just there. Standing at a street corner in downtown Milwaukee, it was just as easy for me to think about waiting for the light to change as it was to step out in front of the next bus or truck.
Driving over the Hoan Bridge was sometimes accompanied by the thought of pulling over and jumping off.
My self-esteem was a shadow of what it should have been. I looked to my job for my entire sense of worth and it was providing me with none. I saw people all around me that appeared to be happy. I couldn’t figure out how they could get through the day. I was convinced that it was just me.
My mind was as numb as my body, but the plan was very clear. I recall talking to an associate and repeating, "I can’t do this any more." After what seemed like an exceptionally bad day in October 1998, I attempted suicide. Eventually, sobbing and virtually incoherent, I called a friend for help. When he arrived minutes later, he found me passed out on the front porch.
I had handled the mood swings and covered up my thoughts of suicide for years. But in this instance, I simply couldn’t hold on any more.
I was required to see a therapist, which I did willingly. I went back to someone I had seen previously. His diagnosis indicated that the problem was situational. I wasn’t clinically depressed. Medication was not indicated.
Over the next couple of years I continued to deal with severe moods swings.
Those around me sometimes didn’t know from one hour to the next which Dan they were talking to, the "happy" one or the "moody" one.
I continued to wonder what was wrong with me, silently at times and sometimes with great emotion. My life was great. I was in a loving, stable relationship. I had good friends, a beautiful home, a good education. And still I wasn’t happy.
The same problems continued. I couldn’t think. I wasn’t happy. And I still had haunting thoughts of suicide. I found another therapist.
I remember one session in particular. I walked in with a photograph that was taken at a family member’s wedding. There I was at the dinner table with absolutely no expression on my face. I was a million miles away. It was like someone flipped a switch and I turned off.
"I can’t do this any more," I told the therapist. "I can’t handle the mood swings."
That’s when I became my own mental health advocate.
In the year that I’ve been on medication, I can’t believe the drastic difference it has made. I feel like I’m myself again. I tell others that in 2001 I gave up fear. Ridding myself of that "overwhelming feeling" has allowed me to pursue things I’ve wanted to do but always found excuses to avoid. Including a photography show in July, starting my own public relations practice, and teaching at Marquette University.
I have been blessed with a beautiful life. Now I can actually appreciate it, knowing that I’m not alone.
Dan Austin is owner of Perspective Communications in Milwaukee.
Dec. 20, 2002 Small Business Times, Milwaukee
