Recently a successful business owner asked how he could find out what he truly valu
ed in life. "I always thought I valued balance," he said. "Now I’m at retirement age, even bought a house in Florida, and I’m busier than ever. Up here staying with relatives to go to board meetings, head up one committee after another. I really care about these causes, but it feels crazy. I thought I’d be playing golf with my wife three days a week by now."
Bet she thought so too – went through my mind.
Clients of all ages describe similar lives. Their days are hectic, adrenaline-driven, until exhausted, they collapse into bed at night.
"I marvel at how you do it all!" they hear. "I don’t," their quiet inner voices whisper.
Yet if you ask if they wanted balance and serenity in their lives, they say, "Oh, yeah. How I’d like that. And things will calm down after the first of the year, I think."
You know how the rest of the story goes. I’ve been sucked into this whirlwind of activity myself more than once. Even recently after I took big measures to simplify life. I moved my office closer to home, decreased the number of people I employ, and resigned from most community posts. I envisioned the simple pleasures of serving my clients and reserving time to complete a book.
Within the first month I was working more hours, taking on new organizational coaching projects, hardly ever going to my health club or writing. Worse, I was pumping along unaware of how far afield I’d gone, until my husband mirrored it back to me. A simpler work life had turned into 10-hour days. I felt scattered, showed up late for an appointment with a client – and big no-no for me, and was experiencing the high cost of multi-tasking. I was almost breathless by the time my spouse jolted me out of the mad dance.
I am coaching myself back to the life I want. I’m appreciating again how easily modern life can turn into a not-so-merry go round. I’m realizing, again, the richness of being fully present in life.
In the process, I am getting more clarity on the siren call, that music on the carnival ride that draws us into high-burn intensity. I trust this will help me be a better coach when helping clients create their own brands of balance.
The enticement, for some of us, is an addiction to the adrenaline rush that can be as toxic as any other addiction. Hate to admit it, but another pull toward being crazy-busy, is the ego. "I must be important if I’m so busy" rides on the unconscious. A friend said upon entering a gathering, "I’m supposed to be nine other places." There you go.
Then there is always that old seducer, the need to please everyone. Going after that impossible brass ring can lead to chronic dizziness. "No" is a beautiful word. The two of ’em, "Yes" and "No" are the tillers that steer us toward the life we want. If we only turn toward "Yes", we’ll crash on the rocks.
I’m happy to report I’m back in my life after the month of zagging out of it. I don’t want a balanced life that looks like those dreary photos of a balanced meal in an eighth grade textbook. I want the full cauldron of life, as do my clients. Sometimes I want to be outrageous and dance ’til dawn. Sometimes I want to make angels in the snow with a grandchild. Always I want to meet my clients with calm energy and focus. Always I want to make sure it’s my life I’m living and I can choose to step off the merry-go-round any time I’m not enjoying the ride.
My answer to that successful business owner, then, is to stop. Take some time to define your own meaning of balance. Find the rhythm of living that fits your skin, now. Then create your days and weeks in honor of that rhythm. Instead of an adrenaline rush, you will taste the sustained delight of being in integrity.
Jo Hawkins Donovan has a coaching and psychotherapy firm in Whitefish Bay, and can be reached at 414-332-0300, or at jo@hawkinsdono-van.com. The firm’s Web site is www.hawkinsdonovan.com. Hawkins Donovan will respond to your questions in this column. Her column appears in every other issue of SBT.
Nov. 22, 2002 Small Business Times, Milwaukee
