Children, sports (especially basketball, soccer and golf), favorite foods, travel, cars, basic humor and hobbies are all great topics for small talk and conversation while having dinner in China.
Politics and history should be avoided. Use the dinner table to identify shared mutual interests. It is also a great way of figuring out what kind of gift would be well-received.
Be careful about expressing a direct interest in something, as it could be inferred by your host as a desire. I once expressed an interest in golf at a dinner, and the next day found myself working my way through 18 holes in 100-degree-plus heat, instead of visiting the chemical lab which was the main purpose of my trip.
It was awkward. My host was being hospitable by trying to make my stay memorable. My best guess is he was probably wondering why anyone would be crazy enough to want to play golf in such conditions.
I, on the other hand, having expressed an interest in golf and having had my host make extensive arrangements to have the club pro play with me, was too chicken to make a feeble excuse and try to bow out.
Another issue is be careful what you admire, as it could end up being yours. Two scenarios: you make a passing remark about something you are not really interested in and find it sitting in your hotel room the next day. In this scenario you may have a number of problems; first getting it home, if it is not something that fits readily in a suitcase, and second, your host will expect to see this “cherished” memento of the trip if he ever shows up at your home, so thoughts of being generous with it at the next nephew’s wedding are out.
The other scenario is that the fabulous present you received, after admiring it, turns out to be an expensive antique which has been in your host’s family for generations. In this scenario, you must figure out a way of reciprocating in a like manner or face the consequences.
But more about gifts later.
Toasts
The first toast is given by your host to start the festivities. You should wait a minute and then respond with your own toast. Long life, prosperity, hospitality, friendship and good health are safe toasts. Everything else, you are taking your chances.
If you are toasting a government leader, you can add something along the lines that you hope their diligence and creativity are recognized by others. The beginning toasts are to the whole table, if you cannot touch glasses with everyone conveniently, rap the lazy Susan/table top twice with the bottom of your glass to signify acknowledgement of all.
“Do not leave your manners on the runway. You should note everything which is done for you and be ready to reciprocate.”
As the diner progresses, there will be a number of individual toasts, where someone will approach you or one of the other people at the head of the table and toast you. In most cases, they will not try to toast your interpreter, but if they do, explain that you need him sober, so the meaning of what is being said is not lost. The point of the toast is to show respect (pecking order) and, as said before, if you are willing to toast them in return later, they will be pleased. Your host and the senior leaders should toast you as a sign of hospitality. If they do not, it is a bad sign. While there are no hard and fast rules, I generally wait for someone to toast me before reciprocating (does not apply to my host who I acknowledge in my opening toast). The toast is supposed to be an opportunity to express the joy of the moment, and the more emotional the moment the more alcohol/toasts will be consumed and made. Unfortunately, every month there is a story about some groom who drank himself to death on his wedding day all in the interest of showing how emotional they felt. So, be warned.
The last toast should be yours, as things seem to be coming to a close, it is welcome and appropriate, assuming you are still sober enough, to toast your host and the others for the hospitality and friendship they have shown you and your team and your hope for a long and prosperous future.
Karaoke
If you can sing, or think you can, China is the place for you. Just mention your fondness for “The King,” and you will find yourself wailing “Blue Suede Shoes” in one of the thousands of Karaoke centers (called KTV’s). Drinks will be served, very few general toasts, a few individual ones, so it’s more at your own pace. The KTV clubs are massive. Some have more than 100 rooms of various sizes. Many of the clubs are open 24/7/365.
Singing is another way of showing joy and talent. I have seen some quite ordinary looking gents who have been able to steal the limelight with a song. Beware of any situation which seems to involve more than singing. You can excuse yourself by indicating you just remembered you have a conference call and the information is back in your room. Otherwise, enjoy. You will know the night is winding to an end when the ninth consecutive love ballad has been crooned by some obviously lovelorn member of the group. Not my cup of tea or scotch, but if you can do it, it will generally endear you to most Chinese. It seems to come down to the fact that most of us could not carry a tune if it was Super Glued to us, and the willingness to share this with a group of strangers has some sort of fraternity humiliation effect which brings people closer together.
Courtesy
When Americans are invited to come to China for business, they are overwhelmed by the hospitality. The attention to detail and concern for their comfort is often almost disconcerting.
Do not leave your manners on the runway. You should note everything which is done for you and be ready to reciprocate, if not in mirror fashion, then in spirit, if they come to see you.
This has to be stressed, as it seems to be a major blindspot in our business relations practices. On numerous occasions, I have seen individuals and delegations blithely leave China after being treated like royalty without so much as a thank you note or other expression of gratitude.
Hospitality is an art and a burden; that which you willingly receive you must be prepared to give. While in China, you should insist on hosting the farewell dinner, and if you are interested in furthering the relationship, you should make the appropriate invitations and give appropriate gifts.
You should pay attention to what was done for you and by whom. Parting gifts and thank you notes are the beginning. A well-written letter to your host that recites all the wonderful things they did for you and, if desired, an invitation to come visit you along with suggested times and procedures for organizing it, will be a powerful indication of interest and attention to detail which will be much appreciated.
It is also worth reflecting on the notion that you are not only a guest of your host but also of their country. While I do not think the United States is perfect, I do not always care for visitors who voice seemingly uninformed negative opinions of it. I believe many Chinese feel the same way about their country, so if you are thinking about doing business in China, be prepared to be civil and if necessary agree to disagree.
