Conflict is a natural part of relationships. You know the familiar experience when what you want appears to be incompatible with what someone else wants. How we behave in conflict can lead to big losses or big benefits, depending on the style we use to manage the conflict.
There are several styles of dealing with conflict. Most of us have a default style. In family or organizational situations, the best possible outcomes result when all players are aware of the various styles of conflict management and act accordingly.
It’s important to remember that every style is useful in some situation. They aren’t particularly good or bad, just inappropriate or appropriate for the situation, depending on the outcome you want. I will describe four recognizable styles. My hope is that you will see value in expanding your skill in using various styles in different situations and will practice choosing the style that best fits your intent in each conflict. Unless you’re robotic, you will experience conflict in personal and professional relationships, and you will benefit immensely from becoming better at managing those conflicts. (Apologies to robots – some may be programmed to behave in the most elegant manner when encountering conflict. I wouldn’t be shocked to learn that.)
There are some basics I include when coaching on this topic. Usually the sooner the conflict is brought to the table, the better. I’m sure there are sometimes good reasons for delay, but in most cases, the sooner the better. Conflict kept under cover doesn’t keep still; it rumbles around inside us or within a team. It can monopolize your thinking and certainly can create emotional distress.
Another basic is the decision to be open to the other’s opinion. A big part of that is learning to trust yourself in the face of conflict, especially with someone you see as more powerful, as bigger than or as louder than you. There will be feelings involved, so get clarity on your own – it often helps to start with describing your emotional response to the conflict – out loud. Know the outcome you want, and own it. Ask the other person to put their own intent on the table as well. (Resolution may mean compromising, but that is part of the art.) Decide if the relationship is more important than being right.
So how do we label these styles? One style is competitive. When using this style, we want to satisfy our own concerns with little or no concern for the other’s. If this is your style, the more important your concern, the more aggressive you will be in the interaction. You may be seen as a bully if you choose this style. Earlier, I said that each style is appropriate sometime. If I search for a good time to be competitive in conflict, there is the obvious one – sports. The challenge is combining sportsmanlike behavior with competing and, of course, it can be done successfully. Another situation might be an emergency, like a fire in your building. Not a time to be concerned with others’ feelings and intents, just get ’em outta there.
Another style is accommodating. When using this style, we are essentially sacrificing our own concerns to enable the other person to satisfy theirs. If this is your default style, you are on a road to crumbling self-respect and likely passive-aggressive behavior. Still, with full awareness this style is useful at times as well. One situation might be when you sincerely do not care that much about the issue and choose to let the other person “win.”
Collaboration is a useful style in multiple situations. This style can lead to making better decisions that include gems from both sides of the issue. Compromises can be constructed and each side can walk away feeling satisfied.
Then there is the style I see way too often; that is avoidance. Again, it is useful in some situations. I used this style recently in a board meeting because I chose to deal with the conflict one-on-one rather than at the meeting. Still, in my experience there are people at all levels who do not trust their ability to deal with conflict, so they avoid it. They may push it onto someone else to handle, or just let it fester and color the relationship forever.
The choice is yours. In a safe environment, it is helpful to practice all styles, perhaps in a team training session. Families can strengthen conflict management skills also with safety, clarity, humor and ground rules. It certainly builds confidence to have a repertoire of ways to deal with the conflicts you inevitably face.
-Jo Gorissen is a certified transition coach and a former Milwaukee area resident. She can be reached at jgorissen1@gmail.com.
