Don’t let your dream go unfulfilled
Jo Hawkins Donovan
For SBT
When I’m getting to know a new coaching client, one question T ask is ‘"Do you have a secret dream?" After a few minutes of silence, and sometimes after a blush or two, nearly all clients admit, that well, yes, they’ve always wanted to take half a year off and sail around the Caribbean, or start their own businesses, or learn to play bass guitar. I hear about all kinds of dreams that have been lurking in the back of minds, usually for decades.
Even in casual conversation with friends and strangers, I hear about these "dreams deferred", to borrow Langston Hughes’ term. Especially if I mention that I’m writing a novel. It’s amazing how many people respond, "Gee, I’ve always wanted to write a novel."
I’ve been a student of psychology for a while. Still, I don’t understand why we tend to act sheepish about our unfulfilled dreams. Somewhere along the line, I suspect, we picked up the notion that is was silly to hold onto such dreams. We’d better act realistic, get practical, and pack those dreams away with other paraphernalia left over from childhood.
Now here’s something even sadder. These dreams do seem to wend their way into consciousness, for those people who have just heard the worst possible news from the medical community. Unfortunately, most of us know someone who’s been through this. Someone gets the death sentence; his doctor suggests getting affairs in order, and starts mumbling about "five, maybe six months or so".
In those dire times, all of one’s life seems to crack open, and through the crack seeps that old dream. One of my c1ients has a friend going through this horror. The friend said to him recently, "The rest of my life looks very different all of a sudden." He began to touch upon some of those old, tattered dreams, wondering if any of them could be realized in the last few months of life.
If you’ve been reading my columns very long, you know what I’m going to say next. What’s keeping us from unpacking those dreams early on? Most of the ones I hear about aren’t so far-fetched that they’re completely out of reach. My clients don’t talk about setting up a little boutique on Mars, or being in a playoff with Tiger Woods. They dream about writing a book, or taking a sabbatical to travel Europe, or building a cabin on a lake — stuff like that. One 70-something woman told me she always wanted to play in a band. Not impossible!
I do believe these dreams are stored right down there next to our true selves. They’re a part of who we are, you might say. Our souls have to be somewhat disturbed if we keep ignoring them or, worse yet, treating them like something to be embarrassed about.
This bit of turbulence in the system begins to smooth itself out if we honor the dream in even the smallest, baby-step way. Want to write a book? Start jotting down ideas, maybe take a writing class or two. Making it real transforms it from a dream into a goal. Eventually you can even tell other people about it without that shrug of the shoulders. The 70-some-year-old woman didn’t expect to be up there on the stage in concert as thousands of fans lit up the arena with their Bic lighters. She did, however, feel more fully alive just by taking herself seriously enough to start looking around for a musical instrument she might tackle.
These dreams can be shaped a bit and still be honored.
So what’s on your list? It’s worth checking even if you are among the fortunate ones already fulfilling deep desires. I’ve found that some people don’t realize they are living their dreams until they pause and really look at the lives they’ve created. Then sometimes there is an "Aha, this life is perfect for me."
Whether it comes as a realization, or the result of some purposeful hard work. I want this for all my clients, to be in touch with those long-held dreams and be bringing them to life now. As they say, "If not now, when?"
Jo Hawkins Donovan has a coaching and psychotherapy firm in Milwaukee, and can be reached at 414-271-5848 or jo@hawkinsdonovan.com. The firm’s Web site is www.hawkinsdonovan.com. Hawkins Donovan will respond to your questions in this column. Her column appears in every other issue of SBT.
Aug. 30, 2002 Small Business Times, Milwaukee
