Many years ago I finished a first draft of a novel. I’m embarrassed to admit how long I’ve been carting that draft around, sitting down now and then to re-work some of the rough spots.
I’ve dragged it to various writers’ groups and asked family members to read the thing and give me feedback—which they’ve done with grace and honesty.
Still, I feel the book is not ready for me to take it to market. It’s not even ready for self-publishing attempts. There is, however, one premise in the book that I feel has a lot to do with how we conduct ourselves in this world of business.
It’s the part of the book where a world-famous physicist describes a force, which he calls “Karamu.” He got the name from an East African word that translates as “peaceful community.” This fictional Dr. Collier, in an announcement delivered throughout the planet, describes two opposing forces that enter into our relationships with others, even with other species and perhaps with trees and such. He calls these states “connect” and “protect.”
In our time, when the impact of relationships creeps into every crevice of the business world, this concept might be helpful. When we are in the protect state, our behavior in a relationship is fear-driven. Whether sitting down with a direct report, a customer in the top ten list, or a director on the board, more than being filled with compassion, we are filled with the fear that this conversation threatens us in some way. Perhaps I want to avoid disclosing the big mistake I made last quarter. Maybe I want to hide my disgust for the person. It could be I heard the customer is about to jump ship and give all that juicy business to another firm, and I’m thinking if I say the right words I can save the account. There are countless ways we can convince ourselves to throw out protective shields instead of compassion.
If, somehow, we can enter the connect state, our drive will be to feel and express true compassion for the person we’re facing. Our protective walls melt away. The rapid stream of words running through the mind in a protect state is gone. We are there, absorbing all we can and responding with true understanding and bone-deep honesty. Everything we put out there, even silence, will express an open, confident acceptance of the other person.
In my novel, Dr. Collier offers some hope that we can learn to move between states of protect and connect (each is useful in some contexts). I think we humans are unconsciously good at detecting when someone comes at us with true compassion and concern for our wellbeing, or with an intricate protective dance. I do believe relationships thrive on compassion versus fear. I think in personal or professional relationships, we will have clumsy times and cannot expect ourselves to always glide about on a compassionate breeze. Also though, I believe the more we develop the ability to feel and express compassion in key relationships, the more success we will experience. Life at home and at work is a lot more fun without the complication of constant attendance to protective devices.
-Jo Gorissen is a certified transition coach and a former Milwaukee area resident. She can be reached at jgorissen1@gmail.com.
