Stick with me on this. It really does have something to do with family business…and is quite profound.
As a garage band lead singer for more than five years myself, I was and remain fascinated with the story of Freddie Mercury and his band, Queen. The recent biopic “Bohemian Rhapsody” did nothing to dispel that interest.
Mercury, born Farrokh Bulsara in Tanzania of Indian immigrant parents, became Freddie Mercury after joining up with mates from another rock band and formed the iconic band Queen. Farrokh was teased mercilessly as a child for his extreme overbite, a blessing which went a long way to explain his ability to bridge four octaves, but a curse as the four extra teeth created fodder for the callous gristmill of critics.
The movie reviewed his relationships with his fiancé, and eventually the hundreds of alleged bisexual partners with which he engaged in recreational sex. All of this from the backdrop of a strict and conservative Zoroastrian (think three wise men of the Bible) religious background and a father that did not want his son going into the profession of music. The movie could really be viewed as a tragedy, as the hero dies from complications of AIDS.
At this point I am sure you are asking about the family business angle…hang in there.
There is another tragedy in this film and it is one that family businesses know all too well. Alienation. Farrokh’s father wanted him to be a doctor, not a lead singer. Freddie eschewed this direction and even went so far as to change his name. He lived with the name Freddie Bulsara until he just couldn’t live with that image.
There was clear alienation between the father and the son, and this played out through the movie until one of the last scenes prior to Queen’s iconic explosion at Live Aid, where Mercury brings home his new partner to meet his parents and sister. The family joins them for tea, and the father asks who this man is that Freddie has brought into the house. “He is my friend,” was the response. Freddie gets up to leave, expecting some negative response, and instead gets a loving embrace from his father. This embrace was not a fiat on the lifestyle choices that Freddie made, but on the pride of father to son. That’s it – pride.
The missing ingredient, the secret sauce, of most family businesses is pride. Invariably it is missing, at least in stated terms. Usually, but not always, this involves a failure of the father to tell his son or daughter, “I am proud of you.”
Those five words are unstated and this leads to hurt, anger and often, alienation. What child doesn’t need to hear of his or her father’s pride?
So why does this pride all too often get withheld? Why does it go unstated? I don’t know. I can only offer conjecture, which includes everything from ego to masculinity and a myriad of issues in between. I have come to find that parents often end up competing with their kids, and if that involves a family business, that competition can be brought into the workplace. Kids, in return, are jealous of their parents and are eager to show them how much better the company will be under their leadership. Pride also seems to be an elusive emotion – again, especially for men. It is demonstrated by many men in their pushing their child in sports, but that pride can often be rather selfish – living vicariously through the child and missed glory for the parent.
After the movie, I wrote a note to all three of my children telling them how proud I am of them. I need to practice what I preach. Perhaps the kids thought this was Dad being sappy, but far be it that I depart this world without telling my kids a very basic belief: I am proud of them.
That doesn’t mean, like Mr. Bulsara, that I approve of everything they do or have done. But what it does mean is that I recognize that they have turned out to be good people and that I am happy for that.
As you turn over the keys of the company to the next generation, shouldn’t they know that you are proud of them, too? Your legacy really is in their hands when they take over that firm. And besides, who wouldn’t want a Queen in the family?
