In more than nine years as an advisor for the Lumen Christi Employment Network, I have seen numerous members of the group struggle with the grief associated with the loss of a job. In some cases, it paralyzes them and prevents them from moving forward with implementing the necessary job search activities.
Let’s look at each of the five stages of grief and discuss strategies that will help you successfully navigate each of these stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, as outlined by Kimerly Holland in her article, “The Stages of Grief and What to Expect.”
Holland begins with an especially important observation, “Grief is very personal, it’s not very neat or linear.” We all experience grief differently and grieve in different ways.
The five stages of grief were first identified by Elizabeth Kubler Ross in her book, “On Death and Dying.” She goes on to discuss that while we all grieve differently, there are some commonalities. This statement is reinforced by my experience with and the observations of our network members. Let’s look at each stage as it relates to the loss of a job and its impact on the individual.
Denial
In this stage, you have time to gradually process the news and begin to move forward. I have observed this varies from individual to individual. They make statements such as, “They were mistaken, they will call tomorrow and ask me back,” or “They will realize they need me.” There is a danger to wallow in this stage and lose the needed momentum to initiate your search for your next position. In reality, denial is a coping mechanism.
Anger
This second stage tends to mask or hide many of the emotions and pain that you are carrying resulting from the job loss. This anger may be directed at your old boss and reflect the bitterness you feel about your current situation. You need to address the source of this anger and the emotions you feel and begin to take positive steps to lessen the intensity of these feelings. Some examples of this anger would be, “I hate my ex-boss, I hope he/she fails.” Some feelings of anger may be directed at yourself by saying, “I should have done more … or, if I did this.”
These statements are not productive. We need to learn from our mistakes and move on. In some cases, you may need the assistance of a mental health professional to move on. It is important that you realize when you are stuck in this stage and get help.
Bargaining
When you are in this stage, you may feel helpless and vulnerable. You may fall into the trap of thinking about what ifs: “What if I had done this or that? Would I still be employed?” or “If only I had not done that.” An example of bargaining is, “If only I had worked more weekends or been timelier with my assignments.”
These statements that you make to yourself are also not productive. You need to learn from and not repeat these behaviors when you obtain a new position.
Depression
This stage of grief is not as active in your mind. Depression is a quieter stage of grief. This stage may present itself with the following symptoms: foggy, heavy and confused. It may also inhibit the functioning of an individual’s brain and body.
Depression is defined by Holland as “the eventual landing point” of any loss, including a job. You may be saying to yourself, “I don’t know how to go forward from here.” If you feel you are stuck in this stage, you need to seek the assistance of a mental health professional.
The depression stage is where you need to realize that you need to start assembling a plan of action to get you to the next and final stage: acceptance. By joining an employment network or another support group, you will begin to realize you are not alone in this journey. You also remove yourself from the isolation of feeling “it’s me” and realize there are others in the same boat as you. You begin to enter into the final stage: acceptance.
Acceptance
Acceptance does not mean you have moved past the grief of the job loss. It does not mean you have started to accept it. In this stage, you should begin to realize that the bad days are going to be less and that there will be good days ahead. Your mantra should be, “I’ll be able to move forward from here and find a new position that I will be happy with and that utilizes my skills.”
Here is an opportunity to build upon your experience, your skill sets and knowledge to obtain a new position. It’s time to move in a more positive direction by assembling an action plan. This plan would include identifying your network of past business contacts, suppliers, fellow executives, friends, social contacts and even relatives. You should keep this group appraised of your progress in obtaining opportunities for networking, interviews and eventually landing a new job.
