“I believe the greatest gift I can conceive of having from anyone is to be seen, heard, understood and touched by them. The greatest gift I can give is to see, hear, understand and touch another person. When this is done, I feel contact has been made.” — Virginia Satir
In the late ’70s, Virginia Satir was one of my heroes. She was a psychotherapist who was considered one of the leading pioneers in family therapy. Rather than responding to an immediate issue or problem presented by clients by seeing pathology within an individual, Satir offered a different view. She saw the issue within the larger context of family dynamics.
For example, Satir believed that a child’s mental health depended on the healthy relationship between the child’s parents. Often when the parental relationship is strained or fractured, the child acts out. While the child is seen as the identified problem, the issues really reside within the family system. Everyone within the family is impacted. Everyone within the family contributes.
Recognizing patterns of communication under stress
When Satir worked with families, she identified patterns of communication that get played out during times of stress.
Placating: We recognize this pattern of communication when someone is looking to please, is always promising, and is willing to take the blame even when not responsible.
With each verbal communication pattern, Satir identified a body posture to exaggerate the pattern. For placating, she imagined the person kneeling on one knee, with hands in an almost prayerful/pleading position above his/her face. “It’s all my fault. I am not worthy.”
Blaming: This pattern of communication levels blame at everyone else; one takes very little responsibility for his or her actions, yet takes credit for what goes right.
The physical position that represents blaming is standing with one arm out and a finger pointing at someone else.
Super Reasonable: In this pattern of communication, Satir identified two types: The first tries to establish self-worth by communicating with big words, sounding much like a machine. The second type of Super Reasonable is what Satir described as the strong, silent type.
The sense we get regarding the physical manifestation for this pattern is that nothing moves from the neck down. All of the energy is from the neck up.
Irrelevant/Distracting: This person, under stress, tends to change the subject if there are signs of conflict; he or she may be in constant motion.
We see young children in families exhibit this pattern of communication when there is tension within the family dynamics. “Accidentally” spilling milk at the dinner table is classic, or announcing that he or she needs to use the bathroom in the middle of a heated conversation between two parents.
Congruent: This pattern of communicating, even under stress, reflects that one is grounded; clear-headed; able to think, hear and feel. One’s nonverbal communication is congruent with one’s verbal communication.
Workplace and team communication under stress
Satir’s patterns of communication are also recognizable within the workplace. Our first “school” of communication is our family of origin. It was there that we developed ways of communicating under stress.
Imagine a team that missed a deadline for a significant project. When the boss learns of the miss, he immediately levels blame. Two members of the team look to make excuses, assuming a “super reasonable” style of communication. One person placates, taking on the full responsibility that is rightfully shared by all, and one person on the team joins the boss in blaming, providing a list of reasons why others were responsible and he or she had no contribution to the missed deadline.
This dynamic, on any team, is deadly. Relationships become fractured; strengths are minimized; and the opportunity for productive work is reduced.
In order to restore a level of collective ownership, members of the team need to set their default communication patterns aside and assume congruent communication. There needs to be a level of “straight talk” that is both honest and kind.
What pattern of communication do you tend to assume under stress? What patterns do you recognize within your team? What might you do for yourself and for your team to invite healthier communication patterns?
Karen Vernal is the president of Vernal Management Consultants LLC, a Milwaukee-based leadership and organizational firm dedicated to “igniting the spirit and skills of leaders.” The company is one of two firms in the nation to be certified in Emotional Intelligence through the Institute for Health and Human Potential. For more information, visit www.vernalmgmt.com.
