One way coaches serve is helping clients become aware of their blind spots. Another way coaches serve is becoming aware of their own blind spots. Fact is, we’ve all got ‘em and they’re tricky little devils to expose and accept.
A client recently recommended a book that deals with those blind spots and the resulting self-deception. Now this book is framed in a metaphor, the story of one man’s introduction to the culture in a new business environment. The principles involved are all revealed within this “made-up” context. Usually I resist these books on leadership that attempt to instruct through long metaphors about moving cheese or something. This one, however, grabbed me and I think some of the insights might be helpful to you.
The book’s title is “Leadership and Self-Deception” by the Arbinger Institute, and it opens with this quote from Black Elk: “It is in the darkness of their eyes that men get lost.”
The theme of the book is that all “people problems” within organizations—and we know they are the knottiest problems—are caused by the same thing. It is the tendency to see myself as the person among objects instead of seeing myself as a person among people. A simple premise but not so simple to identify, digest and change.
The writers describe several stages of this problem that lurks beneath other problems. Most of these stages are unconscious and powerful. First, you might have a sense of what another person needs and how you might help. That part is conscious. But let’s say you don’t help, you don’t act on that sense. (A myriad of reasons for this.)
Betraying your own sense of how you want to be toward that other person is actually self-betrayal or deception. Next, and beneath our awareness, we are driven to justify our behavior, the lack of following through on that urge to help. In justifying how blameless we are, we must place blame on the other person. There are hundreds of ways to do this, but essentially we distort reality and begin thinking of that other person as lazy, no-good, mean, stupid—you name it.
Now we might feel a need to still be nice to that person. Maybe because we fashion ourselves as having stellar people skills. Maybe because that person is working on a project we need. Maybe because we think our silky smooth veneer will keep that other person from ever knowing how we really feel.
The truth is we are all quite good at sensing how others feel about us, no matter how sugary the words are coming out of their mouths. I think a six-month old child is good at this, certainly most dogs and cats I know. So you better bet that your colleagues at work will pick up on how you feel about them, no matter what you say. They will detect your hypocrisy and feel the blame beneath your niceness.
In an organization, if you are caught in this trap of self-deception, you pull others into the same trap. Eventually, this breeds a lack of commitment, a lack of engagement, and trouble-making throughout the place. I’d like to say I’ve never seen a business infected with this disease of self-deception, but I have and I bet you have as well.
From inside the organization, or inside each of us, our blind spots prevent our seeing how we are creating and sustaining the problem, then blaming it on others.
So what to do? Reading the book might be a good start. You already know that blame doesn’t help another person get better at what they do. Examine your own perception of your associates. Are you seeing them as people you want to help? Or are you seeing them as objects filling “slots” in your organization? Do you care about them or just care about them helping you get results? Are you wasting energy trying to change other people, or tired of “coping” with them?
It isn’t a game of perfect, but certainly a game in which we can all improve. I am certain your business can be more productive and successful if you encourage a culture in which people are invited to see people as people, and to honor humane impulses to help out fellow travelers on the path. Of course it’s up to the leaders to promote and model a cultural change and do whatever it takes to make the change sustainable.
Word spreads. If your company creates and nurtures an environment that is full of support, encouragement and truth, you’ll be amazed at how quickly people hear about it and want to breathe in some of that refreshing air.
